Coming To Terms With My Weed Addiction

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Medical marijuana is a topic I’ve covered extensively in my freelance writing career. It started in 2014 when I wrote profiles on medical marijuana users for the Medical Marijuana Review, and since 2015 I’ve been writing content based on peer-reviewed scientific studies for Leaf Science  It’s been a profitable niche, and easy to write about becuase me and marijuana have a long history together.

I smoked my first joint when I was 17. I am now 35 years old I have been smoking weed ever since. That’s 18 years of my life that I’ve consuming this plant. I’ve abstained for 2 or 3 weeks on many occasions, and the longest I’ve ever gone without was roughly 45 days. I’ve always heard that weed is only psychologically addictive, not physically addictive, and I’ve come to realize that I am, in fact, addicted. It has become a long-standing, ingrained habit.

Earlier in life, marijuana did serve a purpose. It helped me at times, allowing me to grow as an individual in certain ways. It allowed me to find new circles of friends, people who I still see today (although not as often), so I can say that it did offer some value for a time. But now that value is long gone and I only continue to smoke out of sheer force of habit. Now every time I get stoned I automatically wish I wasn’t anymore. It doesn’t provide the same benefits, the same thrill, that it used to. Through my research I know just about everything there is to know about weed, so I know how it can be a powerful medicine for certain people with a wide range of conditions and science is only beginning to scratch the surface with the potential of this long-forbidden plant. But I’ve never needed it for medicinal reasons; it’s always been recreational with me.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t smoke weed. I can’t help but think that I would be more successful, further ahead in life, if I didn’t still have this incessant pot smoking habit. I’ve started to wonder about what kind of a person would I be if I didn’t smoke. Would my personality change? Would I become more intelligent, confident, productive? From the brief stints of abstention I’ve endured in my long history with pot I can say that I probably would. For years I’ve held a belief in the back of my mind that I will never reach my true potential as long as I persist in this habit. If I had not spent so much of my adult years up to now stoned, would I be married and have a family right now? Would I own a house, a car, investments? I can’t help but think that in an alternate universe there’s a version of myself that never started smoking weed in the first place and is in a much more successful and happier place.

I must admit that quitting has been on my mind for at least 10 years. My first attempt at quitting was in 2007, and since then I’ve tried and tried and tried to quit so many times only to come back to it after a few weeks. Even when I moved to Montreal I figured I would quit then since I didn’t know any dealers, and had no one to smoke with since I was basically starting a new life, but even that wasn’t enough. I found it was easier than ever to find weed in Montreal because there are always groups of dealers at Parc Mont Royal, and they’re very open about their shady business dealings. I’ve deleted dealers numbers, flushed bags of weed down the toilet, and thrown away all my paraphernalia more times than I can count only to start over again weeks later. I’ve been locked in this cycle of smoking, quitting, and starting again for years and I’ve had enough. I’m emotionally and psychologically exhausted by it.

Through meditation and self reflection I’ve gained greater alignment with my spiritual self; my true self. I do not want to live this way. I don’t want to trapped like this, and I know I would be better off without it. The real me is not a stoner. He was never meant to be, but why is this so? There has to be a deeper, underlying reason why I can’t seem to let it go once and for all. A lot of the time people do drugs because they’re trying to fill a hole in their lives, or to escape their own existential misery. I have to ask myself, what am I running away from? What hole am I trying to fill?

The answers to those questions are too personal to share on the internet,  but I will say this: from now on I am taking real steps to change my life and quit this disgusting habit once and for all. I managed to quit kratom and cigarettes two months ago, and it was always my plan to quit weed as well once I got over that. I allow myself only one vice from now on and that is alcohol; it gives me the most value and enjoyment, and I have better self control with it. I can have a fridge full of beers and I don’t feel tempted to get drunk all day, but if I have any weed at all I can barely make it past lunchtime without wanting to smoke. Why?

I’ve come to see marijuana as being my kryptonite; a fitting analogy since it’s green. I’ve never been able to control myself with it. If I have a stash of pot, I will smoke and smoke and smoke all the time until it’s gone. I will be stoned pretty much 24/7 if I have it. It’s obvious to me now that I have terrible self control when it comes to pot. If I could control my usage so I don’t have to smoke constantly everyday when I have it, if I could just sit on it and only smoke once every few days, then I might be able to fit it into my life, but I have proven time and again that I can’t do that. If it’s there I will smoke it. I can’t help myself.

I have no place for pot in my life anymore. Quitting weed is the best thing I can do right now for my psychological, emotional, and spiritual health. In order to become my true self, the best version of myself, I need to let go of this shit once and for all. 18 years is a long time, but I’m still relatively young. It’s never too late.

 

 

 

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